Hate Me
by AlchemyOtaku0922
Summary: It was a continuous cycle of hate, abuse, and tears that neither of them could seem to break. Rated for mentions of suicide and abuse. Songfic and oneshot. MXM


Matt sat on the cold park bench, silent tears streaming down his face. He knew it wasn't right. He knew this whole thing was wrong. Yet, he still came crawling back to him, every single time.

_It's because you love him. _He told himself. What he had to_ keep _telling himself. No matter how bad Mello treated him, Matt will still stay with him because he will _still _love him.

Matt took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He replayed the whole scene in his head. Mello got angry, hit Matt, then told him to get out of the house. The familiar scenario had only one unique twist. Mello wasn't even drunk this time.

Matt rubbed his shoulder, which he had hit when Mello had knocked him to the ground. He noted the odd stares he was getting from pedestrians passing by, but he ignored it. He didn't care what they thought.

"He loves me." Matt whispered to himself, but those words were empty. They had lost their meaning a long time ago.

Matt shivered, realizing the quickly dropping temperatures. He wanted to go back home. But what if Mello was still angry…?

Matt decided to call him and beg Mello to let him come home. At least Mello couldn't hit him over the phone. And Matt could always just hang up if he started yelling.

He quickly dialed the number and waited for Mello to answer.

If _he answers. _Matt added mentally.

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head_

_They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed_

_Dropping little reels of tape that remind me that I'm alone_

_Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home_

Mello nervously paced back in forth in the living room of his small apartment.

_What have I done? _He wondered. _Matt doesn't deserve this. This has to stop._

He said that every time, but, somehow, Mello would always crumble and it would happen again. He would regret it immediately, but it happened all the same.

Mello was beginning to panic more and more by the minute. How could he have been so heartlessly to kick Matt out like that? He hadn't even doneanything wrong. Mello had. Now Matt was out there, in the cold, without even so much as a jacket to keep him warm. Mello kept peering out the window, hoping Matt would come trudging back, but, knowing Matt, he probably wouldn't _dare_ step foot near the apartment until he was sure Mello had cooled down.

_Maybe I should go looking for him…? _Mello wondered, and, almost as if on cue, his cell phone rang. Mello picked it up and, sure enough, the small, digital letters spelled out "Matt".

"Matt?" He answered softly.

"Mels…" Matt couldn't choke out much more. Mello could tell that he had been crying.

"Matty…are you okay? Where are you?" Mello continued, anxiously, hoping he wasn't hurt.

"I'm at the park," Matt replied, ignoring the question about whether he was okay. "Hey, is it okay if I come home now?" He spoke timidly, like a dog that had just been kicked.

"I'm sorry I kicked you out," Was Mello's response. "It…_I _was wrong." He corrected himself.

"It's all right." Matt whispered, still unsure of the answer to his question.

Mello bit his lip nervously, unsure about what he should say next. Well, he knew what he _needed_ to say, but didn't know _how_ to say it.

"Look, Matt," He began, "this…needs to stop. I don't think we should be together anymore." The statement brought tears to Mello's eyes. He wiped them away, thankful that Matt couldn't see him.

"What?" Matt suddenly exclaimed. "Mello, why?"

"What do you mean, 'why'?" Mello asked, his voice becoming quiet. "How's your shoulder?" He added, to emphasize his point.

Matt was silent for a few moments. "I'm fine," He finally spoke, "I just want to be with you. I love you." The last part practically killed Mello. He just wanted so much to kiss the redhead and tell him it would all be okay, but he knew it wouldn't be. It was never okay.

"And I want to be with _you_, Matt," Mello agreed after a short pause, "but I don't think we _should _be together. I love you, but this isn't what love's supposed to be like."

"I'll do anything," Matt pleaded desperately. "just don't do this to me."

"I don't want to hurt you anymore…I just want you to be happy." Mello protested.

"I _am_ happy, Mello!" Matt argued, although he wasn't quite sure he was telling the truth.

"This isn't happiness, Matt!" Mello countered fiercely. He lowered his voice. "Don't make this harder than it has to be, okay? Goodbye, Matt." He hung up before Matt could say anything else. He didn't want Matt to hear him cry.

He set the phone down, and stared at it blankly. _I'm so sorry, Matt. _His thought echoed. _So, so sorry. _

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain_

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?_

_And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?_

_And will you never try to reach me, it is I who wanted space_

Matt was in total shock. He and Mello went through a lot of hard times, it was true, but Mello had never broke up with him. Matt felt completely empty. What was he supposed to do without his Mello? What _was _he without Mello?

Yet, despite how utterly devastated Matt was by all of this, there was a tiny, insignificant part of him that felt _relief. _

_Maybe this _is _for the best. _Matt tried to convince himself, but he immediately rejected the thought. Mello had always been there. He had spent his whole life with the blonde. He couldn't imagine himself _without_ Mello.

Matt was so confused. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what to _feel. _

_Does he not love me anymore? _Matt wondered. _Maybe he's just hated me all along. Why else would he hit me and constantly treat me like a slave instead of his lover, or even his friend? _

Matt searched his memories, wondering what he had done-or _hadn't _done-that would make Mello hate him so much.

_Everything. _Matt concluded. _I was never good enough for him. Mello deserves much better than me. _

Matt began his uncontrollable sobbing once again. He felt so pathetic and so _useless _and why would Mello have wanted him anyway? Mello had never needed him. Mello had always been ahead of Matt. Matt had just been getting in the way.

"It's best if I'm just gone." Matt muttered.

And that's what he would do, he decided. He'd make himself disappear.

That way, Mello would never be burdened by Matt ever again.

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you _

_Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

All the good times with Matt flashed by in Mello's mind. The first time they met. The first time he realized he loved him. Their first kiss. The first time he said "I love you". He wanted to remember, but, at the same time, he wanted to forget. He just wanted to erase Matt completely from his mind. It would be best for both of them if they just forgot each other.

But Mello knew it wouldn't be that easy. Nothing ever was.

There were bad times, too, of course, but it seemed like they could always get past those. Except now. No matter how much they loved each other, nothing could erase the damage Mello had caused.

Mello remembered the first time he had hit Matt. He was so drunk it took him awhile to process it, but, once he did, it absolutely crushed him. He felt so helpless and so guilty and so, so _sorry. _The same way he felt _every_ time it happened.

Eventually, he realized he needed to stop drinking. He thought he could control himself, but he soon realized he couldn't.

It took him a long time to quit, but he eventually did it. With Matt's help, of course. He had been sober and he thought everything would be okay. Well, that was, until today, anyway. Mello had screwed everything up, and Matt was the one paying for it.

Matt. It hurt Mello every time he thought of him. He wanted to be with him so badly…

_I did the right thing. _Mello told himself. _Matt doesn't need this. Matt doesn't need _you.

Mello knew Matt had his own problems. When they were younger, still at Wammy's, probably around the age of thirteen, Matt had tried to kill himself. He had come from an abusive household, and, because of this, he was very depressed. He had taken a bunch of pills, but, afterwards, became very scared and confessed to Mello what he had done. Mello immediately made him throw up the pills, and, ultimately, Matt was okay, but Mello never forgot the incident, and he knew Matt was still very depressed. Beating him up probably didn't help his self-confidence too much either.

A horrible thought suddenly entered Mello's head. What if Matt tried something like that again? What if Matt tried to kill himself? Mello couldn't live with himself if he was the reason for Matt's death. Heck, Mello couldn't live with himself if Matt died, period.

Mello quickly grabbed the keys to his motorcycle and ran outside to find the only person he had ever loved before it was too late.

_I'm sober now for three whole months, it's one accomplishment that you've helped me with_

_The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again_

_In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night_

_While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight_

Matt's tears were beginning to distort his vision. He could barely see the road. But what did he care? He almost wishedthat he would get into a car crash.

Matt remembered all the times that Mello had held him as he cried, all the times Mello reassured him that everything would be okay. All the times Mello never once judged him no matter how screwed up Matt really was.

_Mello's done so much for me. _Matt thought, fueling his fire of self-hatred. _What have I ever done for him? I deserve to die. _

Matt remembered a cliff that he and Mello had visited one time before. It was the year before, for their anniversary. It was a nice, secluded place in the woods. Matt remembered that they had shared a picnic there. He smiled at the memory, despite everything.

He also remembered thinking-being the morbid person he is-that the cliff would be a perfect place to kill himself. He could just so easily jump off the cliff and let himself fall into his self-created darkness. It would be so easy.

_At least this way I'll die somewhere where Mello and I share memories. _Matt thought. _That's a good way to go, isn't it? _

Matt wasn't sure if this was a valid argument or if he was just telling himself this to feel better, but, either way, he didn't care. It wasn't going to make him change his mind. He always only needed one reason to do anything and that reason was Mello.

He turned off his car, arriving at the cliff, and took a deep breath.

_It's time, Matt. _He told himself. _It's for the best. _

With that thought in mind, he got out of the car and walked towards the edge.

_You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate_

_You made me compliment myself when it was way too much to take_

_So I'll drive so f*cking far away that I'll never cross your mind_

_And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

_Please be okay. _Mello begged to whatever God was listening. _Just _please _let him be okay! _

Mello drove down the streets, looking everywhere he could think of for his beloved redheaded angel. He wasn't at the park, or the video game store, or any of the usually places he would think to find Matt.

Suddenly Mello remembered he and Matt's anniversary last year. They had drove to a cliff to have a picnic. Mello remembered how Matt kept glancing at the edge of the cliff, and how Mello couldn't stop worrying about what exactly Matt was thinking.

Mello quickly switched directions to head towards the cliff.

_I'd better not be too late…_

When Mello saw Matt's car sitting at the bottom of the cliff, he was happy to have found him, but, at the same time, his heart sank.

_God, I can't believe he's even thinking about this! _It made him so angry and so upset all at the same time.

Mello made his way up the cliff as quickly as possible, and, as soon as he could make out the familiar back of his boyfriend, he called out, "Matt!"

The gamer quickly turned his head to face Mello. His expression turned to confusion. What was Mello doing here?

"Mello…?" He whispered. "What-"

"Look," Mello interrupted, out of breath, "don't do anything stupid. I love you. I don't want you to die, Matty. I just want you to be happy. _That's_ why I did what I did. You can't be with me because I hurt you. Don't you get that? Why would you rather die than be free of a self-destructive relationship like this?" Tears were streaming down Mello's face. "Why can't you just hate me?"

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

"How _could _I hate you, Mello?" Matt answered quietly. "You're my whole world. To me, you're perfect. Don't you understand _that_?"

Mello was silent. Matt would always forgive him, no matter what, even if he didn't deserve forgiveness. He should've figured that out by now.

Matt took Mello's silence as a sign that he was done talking. "You should go back home," He whispered. "It's getting dark."

"You're coming with me." Mello commanded.

"I thought you didn't want me anymore." Matt frowned.

Mello sighed, frustrated. "I thought I already explained that it's not that I don't want you, it's because this is unhealthy."

"Same difference." Matt mumbled.

"Besides," Mello continued through gritted teeth, frustrated that it seemed like Matt wasn't even listening to him, "I'm not going to just leave you here so you can jump off a cliff. Now come on."

Matt looked at him hesitantly. If he went with him, things would just be the same. This would all happen again. Why not end the cycle now?

"Come on!" Mello barked, beginning to lose control of his anger, but quickly caught himself. He lowered his voice, but the intensity was still there. "Please."

Matt met Mello's lips for a soft, passionate kiss. When he pulled away he whispered, "I'm sorry, Mello. I can't go with you." _Because I'm done with this. Because everything will just be the same. Because I can't live with you and I can't live without you. _

Matt was surprised to see tears welling up in Mello's eyes. Matt hardly ever saw Mello cry. It broke his heart.

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave_

_Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made_

_And like a baby boy I never was a man_

_Until I saw your blue eyes cry, and I held your face in my hands_

"Matt don't do this to me," Mello begged. "Please. I love you."

"You keep saying that, Mello…" Matt muttered. _Don't go crawling back to him. _Matt told himself. _He'll just hurt you again. _

_Don't forgive him this time. _

"I know, I know," Mello sobbed. "And I promise, this time I'll prove it's true. I promise. Just give me another chance,"

_It'll happen again. _A voice inside Mello argued.

"I swear, I'll never hurt you again," Mello continued, ignoring the voice.

_Empty promises. _The voice nagged.

"I'll do anything to make you happy!" Mello practically shouted, trying to prove the voice wrong. "I just want things to be like the used to be! I just want to see you smile again!" Mello finally silenced the voice, buried it deep inside of him. Mello didn't want to hear it, even if that voice was the truth.

_And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away" _

_Just make a smile come back like it used to be_

_And then she whispered "How could you do this to me?" _

By this time Matt had broken down, and inevitably agreed to go back with Mello. How could he resist the beautiful blonde?

They both knew it was unhealthy. They both knew it was destructive. They both knew it wasn't right. But neither of them cared. They both loved each other. And it _was _true love. It twisted, destructive, abusive, misunderstood love, but it was true all the same.

It was a continuous cycle of hate, abuse, and tears that neither of them could seem to break. They both needed each other. Nothing could change that. Neither of them _would _change that.

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I never did for you_

_Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you _

Just a normal day in Matt and Mello's life.

_For you_

_For you_

_For you_

-X-

**Authors Note: Okay, so I spent like, forever on this and I'm still not happy with it. I feel like it's missing something…so some constructive criticism would be reeeeally helpful (: I hope you enjoyed this! **


End file.
